Hello there.

Wheww, I've opened this page up so many times to write, but never finished it. I'd say it's been about a month since I've written here. A lot has occurred in one month. I am now employed and happily have started to pay off late bills. I can comfortably begin to save without feeling as if I'll have to again go into my savings and clear it out to stay afloat. 

I feel as if everything has been working in my favor when it comes to what I'm pursuing. I've finally decided to take my thoughts about nursing seriously and put them into action. I'm excited for this new journey and will probably start it in the Fall, since the pre-req classes I need are offered then. This Summer, I just want to work and save save save. I also want to start working out, which I know I've been saying forever, but I truly do. I also want to gain 10-20 pounds and keep that weight on. I also turned 28 and will write a separate post for that. 

Lately, my days have been filled with mostly work. researching scholarships for nursing school and researching nursing schools as well, though I have an idea of which school I want to attend. I also want to begin volunteering in the hospital to gain more experience. I have learned to trust the timing of things; I feel I have gained back my 'go with the flow' mentality, which feels really refreshing and nice. Each passing day my optimism about the future increases; it truly is all in the mind--and my mind has been nothing but positive and hopeful.

The best is yet to come and in the meantime, I'm enjoying the view and trusting the timing. <3

10:55PM

When will things get better?

Apply,
Apply,
Apply....

          Denied, 
          Denied,
          Denied....

Try,
Try,
Try....

I'm running out of patience when it comes to my financial means and when it comes to finding a job. That's all I do, it's an endless cycle: apply-apply-apply get denied-denied-denied and again I try and try and try. Feeling super stressed about bills and finances---maybe that's why I have this headache....

When will things get better, when will all my trying finally pay off, when will the seeds begin to blossom, when will the flowers start to bloom...When, when, when....
Goodnight
11:15PM

Retreat

Today I went to a retreat about compassion and meditation that was pretty much all day. It was very liberating and freeing. We started off with having a guided meditation that was 45 minutes, but it didn't really seem like it. We had to maintain our posture for so long, while controlling our breathes and thoughts(having a clear mind). The guy conducting the retreat immersed himself in the practice -he became a monk and resided in Asia for about 10 years. He has worked with Dalai Lama, which I feel is inspiring and cool because I read a lot of things by Dalai Lama. 

I wrote tons of notes and left feeling calm and at peace. I felt I was meant to be there to receive the messages that were being taught to us. I left enlightened and feeling as if I can take on all things that create suffering in my life. I plan to practice meditation more so; I also want to get back into hiking and exercising--which I will start tomorrow. Being physically active will also help me mentally. I'm excited to start this new journey and I am hoping for the best for myself. 

I love you, Raven and am proud of you despite your circumstances and situations. Though you are not rich in the financial-sense---you are indeed rich in compassion, love, thoughtfulness, and intelligence...Always remember that, okay love?
6:03PM

 

I'm trying....

First, last night I had some bad dreams. In one dream, it was really dark and I was running--I was full of fear. I kept looking behind me, I don't know what for but it felt so real. In my other dream, my boyfriend cheated on me--it felt extremely real, I felt my heart literally aching and breaking when I woke up. I looked up what my dreams meant and it said you have fears of being abandoned. I feel that has always been true and most likely stems from childhood traumas. I think that I have also been feeling that way a bit lately because it seems like nothing money-wise, job-wise, career-wise is falling through for me. Right now, I feel I have nothing truly going for me---no matter how hard I try. I know they say those who truly care for you and love you will stay by your side when you're at your lowest and brokest, through thick and thin, through highs and lows--and I know for a fact that I have been there for people at their lowest without judgment because everyone goes through tough times..... but I guess I still worry that people won't stay and they'll leave because I have nothing materialistic/financially wise-I can barely support myself-I guess I have that fear with my boyfriend a lot lately, that he'll leave because I don't really have anything.

I've been trying extremely hard to get a job; people keep saying just get a part-time job for now--as if I haven't been trying exactly that. I've been applying to hella retail stores, school positions, volunteer positions and nothing. Today, I went into places and all of them said go online; only was able to give my resume to one store. My mind is becoming cloudy and I can feel a storm coming because I feel myself getting down. Today was good, until the end when I felt a bit hopeless because nothing is falling through.

What's meant for me will be, but how much longer do I have to wait...how much longer can I have patience. How much longer...how much longer...how much longer?
11:15PM

New Endeavors

The last few days have been really great. I've been doing a lot of writing and doing a lot of creative things such as painting again. I even have been going for walks and sitting by the ocean like I use to.  Painting has been very therapeutic. I have been questioning my life's direction for a while and have come to the conclusion that I do indeed want to pursue new endeavors that are outside of the education field. So bye-bye education and hello_______

I do not plan on telling anyone about the 2 fields I will be engaging in, as it seems not many have been supportive of my path nor decision-making. I want to explore these fields because I like helping others and I think it's another way to help others. I get to babysit this week and weekend, so I'm excited for that cash to be coming in. Also, just waiting for my postmate things to arrive in the mail, so I can start delivering. All in all,  this week should be pretty productive. 

I've been wondering, are all people the same? are all guys the same? Lately, it seems so. 

Hoping for the best.
4:00PM

Today was a very emotional and hard day. I woke up in a pretty good mood and I just knew my check would come and I would be able to have some funds in my account for bills. Well it didn't come and I ended up emailing her telling her it was illegal to withhold MY money. She then sent it to me right away---funny how that works! Mostly, I stayed in bed all day and slept on and off. I felt very overwhelmed and as if nothing I do is working out nor good enough(mainly when it comes to my mom). Being at home has been extremely draining and stressful. I truly thought this would all be over once my dad left, but no still drama. All this negative energy is weighing me down. 

I've been doing my best to stay in high spirits and not let my situation(lack of money, no job) get the best of me...But today I couldn't hold it in anymore and I just laid in bed crying and crying until I cried myself to sleep. I just wanted to disappear into sleep, so I didn't have to feel the pain and hurt of my current situation. It would be nice to be able to turn off my feelings and emotions sometimes. As I said this day was extremely draining emotionally, which is why I stayed in bed all day. I feel I haven't felt this low since my freshman year of college. 

I hope that things will get better, I truly have been trying my hardest. 
What do I do? Where is life taking me, where am I taking life? 
What is the reasoning behind my struggles? What is meant to be learned in my times of instability & poverty?
1:02AM

My my my....

It feels as if the universe is against me when it comes to making any sense of money. It's Spring Break at the moment, so I contacted the people I babysit for the most and they are in Hawaii--so no babysitting with them. Then I signed up for UberEats Monday night and last night planned my day out, waking up early reading and making some ubereats deliveries, but when I signed on said I couldn't deliver in the area---possibly the rules have changed. So that was so effin annoying. I've been applying non-stop to retail jobs or any type of job in general--but nothing. I've reached out to acquaintances and friends but no luck on any promising leads. It's getting so effin frustrating to keep trying and yet nothing is falling through. Nothing seems to be working in my favor and I don't know what the universe, higher power  are trying to tell me. Because this struggle seems to only be getting rougher and tougher each and every day...

So close to wanting to give up.

11:45AM

Sleepless Nights

I haven't had a really good night of sleep in a long while. I'd say the last 2 weeks, I haven't had a truly fulfilling sleep. It's interesting because during the day I get tired, but when it's times to go to bed I can't sleep. I've been going to bed mostly at 3 or 4 in the morning and yet my body still somehow wakes me up at 8 or 9 in the morning, so annoying! I just want a good night of sleep. I get in bed as I am now--tossing and turning, but nothing. So then I get on my computer: find something to watch or write or listen to spotify. Sometimes, I just light a candle or incense, lay in bed and listen to music, hoping the music helps me drift away, but that hasn't been working at all lately. 

I wonder if I'll get some sleep tonight...Time to find something to watch

2:15AM

Family life has been hard. Though my dad has gone back up north, my mom's mood and demeanor has been very toxic. I've been trying my hardest to find a job, so I can start saving up to move out. Living here has been very stressful with negative energy; most days have been tough. It's been tougher than usual because I am low on finances, so I have been staying in everyday. As I can't be wasting gas to just roam around like I usually would---I can't go to the cafe or go to echo park. The past 3 days, I've been feeling really down and have been staying to myself. I haven't felt any sense of motivation at all. I feel so lazy, but I know that it's just lack of motivation. 

I have no motivation at all. I have no clue why the downs seem to be getting lower and tougher. Can at least one good thing come my way???

5:25PM

Through The Storm

The last few weeks have been tough, I'm just proud of myself for staying positive through these times. Some days are better than the others. I went for an interview Monday and I liked the place. It would have been full-time with benefits, BUT today I woke up to an email saying they are going with another candidate. It seems nothing is coming my way. I know I am meant for more than just struggle, I just have to find my way, find the right direction.

I feel those around me haven't been very supportive either; judging my every decision, critiquing my every action; focusing more on what I do "wrong". It's so frustrating. Everyone has been testing my patience and getting on my nerves. I'm going to stay to myself for the next few days. It sucks that no job is coming my way. This makes me feel as if staying in the education field truly isn't my calling. The reason, I stick with it now is because it seems most promising financial wise--but may it is best I venture out into the art fields as I want. Whether it be performing(dance, poetry), whether it be helping in a program that helps children and youth artistically. 

Though I do not like change, I have been very open and willing to accept changes that may come my way--but nothing is coming--if anything feels like everything is moving further and further away from me and my grasp. 

Feeling unmotivated, drained, tired and hopeless. I know eventually I'll make it through this storm, but it's getting really hard. 

Friday 23 March 1:35PM

OH LIFE

BLAH! Phewww, life has been nothing but a downhill rollercoaster this Month. From family issues to career/work issues. When it comes to family my dad, went back up North and my mom went into a major depression episode that was pretty scary and crazy. It reminded me of times when my mom would take too much medication when I was younger and we would have to make sure we watch her. It was scary, but also angering. I'm just plan tired of having to take care of grown adults. First my dad issues--dealing with the abuse he'd do to my mom, then him coming home drunk/high, and staying out all night. Then dealing with the relationship between my mom and I. Then I'm trying to make the right decision when it comes to my career, but seems I keep making the wrong decision. Seems like I'm stuck and nothing is sticking. 

The agency I was with is inconsistent and unstable. If I was being paid on time, then I would definitely stay, but I'm not. When it comes to my views, I prefer picking my happiness over money. I do not want to wake up dreading going to a job. I understand that there are somedays we as people will wake up and that I understand, but to have the constant dread everyday?! No thanks. I just wish something would fall through, something that's stable, makes me happy, and most importantly helps me to grow my skills and abilities. 

Right now, I feel stuck and I have no clue where I'm headed. *sigh*

9:53PM

Hello, 

So, I have reconnected with the lady at the agency I was working at and will continue to work there for the time being. She pays me well and since I'm still trying to figure out what I truly want to do in life, maybe this is the better choice in the meantime. I've also been thinking that I will soon have to say goodbye to Tuesdays with my bf, which makes me really sad. I guess I just have to keep thinking that I'm sacrificing days apart in order to save up to spend days together aka moving in together. It's still hard because I've become use to Tuesdays being our day...

Anyways, I am beyond grateful for the help that my bf has given emotionally and financially. I have been dealing with a lot of stress at home and with paying bills. I've never had the courage to ask to borrow money(only once), but it seems he is always offering to help me financially. It's very heartwarming for me, because I can't even ask my own family for financial help. Nor has anyone ever been so giving, thoughtful and supportive towards me. I truly appreciate him more than he probably knows. I'm truly lucky to have him by my side. I hope I am some day able to repay him, in all the ways that he has helped me. 

5:15PM

Wahhhh

I’m extremely worried about my finances. I need to refill my birth control by Monday that’s $40, I have to pay a loan $80, I need to pay my phone, I need to pay car insurance $85— so I’m basically screwed and some bills are not gonna be paid. I’m late on my car payment $100— I’m really hoping something falls through. I haven’t been letting it get me down, but now that bills are due in the next week I feel super stressed. I’m about to have to use my last $15 on my credit card for gas. Maybe I can sell my laptop or drawer. Sighh I have no clue what I’m gonna do.

Feeling super stressed now. 10:45AM

Consistency is KEY!

Things that I want to get back into are dance, pole dancing, fitness and creating music videos. I remember I was living my best life and on my way to being my true authentic self, when I did things without question such as taking a trip to NY, Skydiving, Being active(pole dancing, dance), Being Creative, Performing in an Open Mic. That time of my life, I lived freely, fearless, brave, and consistent. I want to get back to having a consistent routine, to being consistent in sharing my poetry, consistent in thriving towards my dreams, consistent in reading/writing before I go to bed, consistent in not having my phone be the first thing I reach for in the morning, consistent in being creative, consistently on a journey to becoming my true authentic self and being the creative successful strong woman that I strive to be and know I can be. I want to learn to stay consistent even on my bad days. I want to write even when I don't feel like, I want to exercise despite feeling lazy or having a long day. 

I am going to make these things things a habit. One step at a time. Consistency is KEY.
10:15 PM

Good Things Are Coming...

Today was a very good day. I woke up and went to an interview for a preschool teaching position. I truly enjoyed the school, their philosophy, the freedom they provided the children with and the whole atmosphere. This is the first interview I left in a long while that I felt extremely excited about the school. I truly am hoping I get that job or at least get called back for them to see me in the classroom. Everything about the school, I loved. I am truly hoping for this opportunity. Secondly, I took my bro and mom to see black panther. Even though I don't have any money, I found a way and it was nice doing something with them as a whole. They really enjoyed themselves. 

It was nice to get my mom away from the house as well, because she rarely gets out. Which I wish she would do more often. After we came back, I decided to do laundry and some spring cleaning. And what do you know, my dad popped up. I had to go outside and tell him, he isn't welcomed here at the moment. And he went on telling me, how I don't love him or care that he is out in the cold in the streets. Know what? Damn right, I don't care about you. If I am able to move, I definitely will not miss the drama one bit. It's very tiring to have to deal with him and also worry about our safety or wonder if he'll be drunk or high when my mom lets him in. I truly despise that man.

Nonetheless, I truly feel that good things are coming my way soon. I truly hope so--I truly am thankful for myself for having an abundance of patience. Thanks Raven for keeping it pushing even when you no longer wanted to....

11:11 PM

Making Moves

I can't wait til I can say I am proud of myself. I've been saying that to people as of late. I am indeed making moves towards my future, but because no one see's progression they say such things as "you have to try harder", "you have to be open", "you have to adapt" etcetera---when the truth is, I am indeed doing these things and trying my hardest. My progression is small, but any progression is progression. Sometimes I feel those who are close to me, don't understand me. Because they don't see something, they believe it's not there. I'm speaking of my hard work, the many jobs I've applied to, the ways in which I've grown--they seem to only acknowledge the things they don't see. 

But me, I see the progression in myself, I see the growth, I acknowledge even the smallest of accomplishments. I rarely hear anyone say they are proud of me. But that's okay, I am proud of myself; myself is all I have. My day and time is coming, eventually all my hard work will pay off. I'm making myself proud and that's all that matters. As long as I see my progression, as long as I acknowledge myself, as long as I acknowledge my growth--that's all that matters. I'm doing my best, but no one seems to see the best in me nor my potential.

Progress is Progress. I am very proud of you, Raven, very proud and always here for you.
10:21PM

Hello March!

Hello March!

It is the 60th day out of 365, it is the 3rd month(chapter) of the year. This is the month where I leave my sense of comfort and do what I need to do, so that I can get to where I want to be. Which the main thing is establishing a job, so I can have a sense of identity back. Another main thing is being able to finally move-out. This upcoming week will be the week I decide what's right for me. I need to start saving money this month in order to reach my goal. I believe I can indeed do it, if I stay focused. If I realize that now sacrificing time will be worthwhile, if I realize the change NEEDS to happen and I need to stop hindering myself out of fear of change. I am ready to take the actions and steps needed to create the happiness I desire. I thank myself for being strong-willed, determined and patient during these times. I am proud of myself for staying true to me.

May this month bring me courage, prosperity, finances, and needed change. I hope that my finances last me long enough. As I am running low on funds and who knows when I'll get my next check....

Happy March.
9:45AM

Hello World!

Tomorrow, I go meet a potential family I'll nanny for. They are first time parents and have a 3.5 month old baby boy. I'm extremely curious to see what milestones the baby has already accomplished. Usually 3 month-olds haven't even started babbling or crawling--they pretty much just poop, pee, sleep, cry, play, and eat--they need tons of attention and support. I truly enjoy working with children and believe I am great with them. I'm truly hoping one of these jobs comes through, I'm tired of struggling financially and barely being able to pay my bills on time. I also want to be able to save enough, so I can move-out with my bf. I would enjoy being able to see his face everyday :) I saw some casting calls on IG and tagged him in them--I think any type of work in the industry is worthwhile in the beginning of one's career, he can check out set life and maybe make some more connections. Anyways I hope he saw them as there's been no reply or acknowledgment to my tags...

It's so late right now, I should be sleeping but I can't. I'm wide awake.

Lets see what tomorrow & Monday will bring. Wish me good luck.

3:35AM

Patience, love.

Hello There.

I'm proud of myself because during these hard times despite feeling down, I still have found the strength to have patience. Patience is one of my biggest strengths and one of my strongest characteristics. Patience, patience, patience---I've been repeating that too myself a lot when I feel those negative thoughts emerging. Yesterday I spent most of my time contacting jobs and seeing if I could set up any interviews; I set-up one for Monday and I'll see how it goes. 

Every single day, I've been applying for jobs like crazy--checking to see if there is anything new. I truly do want to move out and move in with AM, but as time ticks away nothing stable has yet to fall through--which means no money for me. I am still waiting on my check from Feb 9th payment day!!! I now have $2 in my account---please come today because I have a past due bill and bills are coming up on the 25th. I've been eating ramen day and night. 

Times feel hopeless and tough at the moment. But I'm still pushing on....Patience, love.

11:35AM