BLAH! Phewww, life has been nothing but a downhill rollercoaster this Month. From family issues to career/work issues. When it comes to family my dad, went back up North and my mom went into a major depression episode that was pretty scary and crazy. It reminded me of times when my mom would take too much medication when I was younger and we would have to make sure we watch her. It was scary, but also angering. I'm just plan tired of having to take care of grown adults. First my dad issues--dealing with the abuse he'd do to my mom, then him coming home drunk/high, and staying out all night. Then dealing with the relationship between my mom and I. Then I'm trying to make the right decision when it comes to my career, but seems I keep making the wrong decision. Seems like I'm stuck and nothing is sticking. 

The agency I was with is inconsistent and unstable. If I was being paid on time, then I would definitely stay, but I'm not. When it comes to my views, I prefer picking my happiness over money. I do not want to wake up dreading going to a job. I understand that there are somedays we as people will wake up and that I understand, but to have the constant dread everyday?! No thanks. I just wish something would fall through, something that's stable, makes me happy, and most importantly helps me to grow my skills and abilities. 

Right now, I feel stuck and I have no clue where I'm headed. *sigh*



So, I have reconnected with the lady at the agency I was working at and will continue to work there for the time being. She pays me well and since I'm still trying to figure out what I truly want to do in life, maybe this is the better choice in the meantime. I've also been thinking that I will soon have to say goodbye to Tuesdays with my bf, which makes me really sad. I guess I just have to keep thinking that I'm sacrificing days apart in order to save up to spend days together aka moving in together. It's still hard because I've become use to Tuesdays being our day...

Anyways, I am beyond grateful for the help that my bf has given emotionally and financially. I have been dealing with a lot of stress at home and with paying bills. I've never had the courage to ask to borrow money(only once), but it seems he is always offering to help me financially. It's very heartwarming for me, because I can't even ask my own family for financial help. Nor has anyone ever been so giving, thoughtful and supportive towards me. I truly appreciate him more than he probably knows. I'm truly lucky to have him by my side. I hope I am some day able to repay him, in all the ways that he has helped me. 



I’m extremely worried about my finances. I need to refill my birth control by Monday that’s $40, I have to pay a loan $80, I need to pay my phone, I need to pay car insurance $85— so I’m basically screwed and some bills are not gonna be paid. I’m late on my car payment $100— I’m really hoping something falls through. I haven’t been letting it get me down, but now that bills are due in the next week I feel super stressed. I’m about to have to use my last $15 on my credit card for gas. Maybe I can sell my laptop or drawer. Sighh I have no clue what I’m gonna do.

Feeling super stressed now. 10:45AM

Consistency is KEY!

Things that I want to get back into are dance, pole dancing, fitness and creating music videos. I remember I was living my best life and on my way to being my true authentic self, when I did things without question such as taking a trip to NY, Skydiving, Being active(pole dancing, dance), Being Creative, Performing in an Open Mic. That time of my life, I lived freely, fearless, brave, and consistent. I want to get back to having a consistent routine, to being consistent in sharing my poetry, consistent in thriving towards my dreams, consistent in reading/writing before I go to bed, consistent in not having my phone be the first thing I reach for in the morning, consistent in being creative, consistently on a journey to becoming my true authentic self and being the creative successful strong woman that I strive to be and know I can be. I want to learn to stay consistent even on my bad days. I want to write even when I don't feel like, I want to exercise despite feeling lazy or having a long day. 

I am going to make these things things a habit. One step at a time. Consistency is KEY.
10:15 PM

Good Things Are Coming...

Today was a very good day. I woke up and went to an interview for a preschool teaching position. I truly enjoyed the school, their philosophy, the freedom they provided the children with and the whole atmosphere. This is the first interview I left in a long while that I felt extremely excited about the school. I truly am hoping I get that job or at least get called back for them to see me in the classroom. Everything about the school, I loved. I am truly hoping for this opportunity. Secondly, I took my bro and mom to see black panther. Even though I don't have any money, I found a way and it was nice doing something with them as a whole. They really enjoyed themselves. 

It was nice to get my mom away from the house as well, because she rarely gets out. Which I wish she would do more often. After we came back, I decided to do laundry and some spring cleaning. And what do you know, my dad popped up. I had to go outside and tell him, he isn't welcomed here at the moment. And he went on telling me, how I don't love him or care that he is out in the cold in the streets. Know what? Damn right, I don't care about you. If I am able to move, I definitely will not miss the drama one bit. It's very tiring to have to deal with him and also worry about our safety or wonder if he'll be drunk or high when my mom lets him in. I truly despise that man.

Nonetheless, I truly feel that good things are coming my way soon. I truly hope so--I truly am thankful for myself for having an abundance of patience. Thanks Raven for keeping it pushing even when you no longer wanted to....

11:11 PM

Making Moves

I can't wait til I can say I am proud of myself. I've been saying that to people as of late. I am indeed making moves towards my future, but because no one see's progression they say such things as "you have to try harder", "you have to be open", "you have to adapt" etcetera---when the truth is, I am indeed doing these things and trying my hardest. My progression is small, but any progression is progression. Sometimes I feel those who are close to me, don't understand me. Because they don't see something, they believe it's not there. I'm speaking of my hard work, the many jobs I've applied to, the ways in which I've grown--they seem to only acknowledge the things they don't see. 

But me, I see the progression in myself, I see the growth, I acknowledge even the smallest of accomplishments. I rarely hear anyone say they are proud of me. But that's okay, I am proud of myself; myself is all I have. My day and time is coming, eventually all my hard work will pay off. I'm making myself proud and that's all that matters. As long as I see my progression, as long as I acknowledge myself, as long as I acknowledge my growth--that's all that matters. I'm doing my best, but no one seems to see the best in me nor my potential.

Progress is Progress. I am very proud of you, Raven, very proud and always here for you.

Hello March!

Hello March!

It is the 60th day out of 365, it is the 3rd month(chapter) of the year. This is the month where I leave my sense of comfort and do what I need to do, so that I can get to where I want to be. Which the main thing is establishing a job, so I can have a sense of identity back. Another main thing is being able to finally move-out. This upcoming week will be the week I decide what's right for me. I need to start saving money this month in order to reach my goal. I believe I can indeed do it, if I stay focused. If I realize that now sacrificing time will be worthwhile, if I realize the change NEEDS to happen and I need to stop hindering myself out of fear of change. I am ready to take the actions and steps needed to create the happiness I desire. I thank myself for being strong-willed, determined and patient during these times. I am proud of myself for staying true to me.

May this month bring me courage, prosperity, finances, and needed change. I hope that my finances last me long enough. As I am running low on funds and who knows when I'll get my next check....

Happy March.

Hello World!

Tomorrow, I go meet a potential family I'll nanny for. They are first time parents and have a 3.5 month old baby boy. I'm extremely curious to see what milestones the baby has already accomplished. Usually 3 month-olds haven't even started babbling or crawling--they pretty much just poop, pee, sleep, cry, play, and eat--they need tons of attention and support. I truly enjoy working with children and believe I am great with them. I'm truly hoping one of these jobs comes through, I'm tired of struggling financially and barely being able to pay my bills on time. I also want to be able to save enough, so I can move-out with my bf. I would enjoy being able to see his face everyday :) I saw some casting calls on IG and tagged him in them--I think any type of work in the industry is worthwhile in the beginning of one's career, he can check out set life and maybe make some more connections. Anyways I hope he saw them as there's been no reply or acknowledgment to my tags...

It's so late right now, I should be sleeping but I can't. I'm wide awake.

Lets see what tomorrow & Monday will bring. Wish me good luck.


Patience, love.

Hello There.

I'm proud of myself because during these hard times despite feeling down, I still have found the strength to have patience. Patience is one of my biggest strengths and one of my strongest characteristics. Patience, patience, patience---I've been repeating that too myself a lot when I feel those negative thoughts emerging. Yesterday I spent most of my time contacting jobs and seeing if I could set up any interviews; I set-up one for Monday and I'll see how it goes. 

Every single day, I've been applying for jobs like crazy--checking to see if there is anything new. I truly do want to move out and move in with AM, but as time ticks away nothing stable has yet to fall through--which means no money for me. I am still waiting on my check from Feb 9th payment day!!! I now have $2 in my account---please come today because I have a past due bill and bills are coming up on the 25th. I've been eating ramen day and night. 

Times feel hopeless and tough at the moment. But I'm still pushing on....Patience, love.



It’s so interesting growing up in a technological world. We seem to be ruled by our devices. I remember being in elementary and middle school, those were the days. I suppose I am nostalgic for those days. Days where technology didn't rule our minds and take up time with those we care for that we won't get back. People waste precious seconds and minutes by endlessly scrolling on their timeline. I realize when I am hanging with people, they spend a lot of time on their devices. It’s very baffing. I try my best to make sure I give them my undivided attention—minimizing my time on the phone or staying off it all together. But if they themselves seem to be more interested in their cellular device then I too will copy their actions. It’s sad that the first thing people reach for in the morning is their phone rather than the person laying right beside them. So much time being wasted and not being in the present. I think I could write intently about this topic, but just wanted to write this while the thought is on my mind.

I can’t be the only one who feels this way.

Cheers 11:20AM


The last 3 days have been really tough. I feel as if I'm stuck. I've reached out to people I know asking if they know of anyone hiring, I've applied for over 30 jobs this week and I haven't received not even one call. It's very disheartening when I'm taking the steps needed to grow, but nothing is coming through. Home life is whatever, my dad talks to my mom very disrespectfully and I haven't been saying anything about it to her, but it's getting to the point where I'm going to have to say something since my mom isn't. He literally does whatever he wants, leaves for days then when he comes back he asks my mom if she is going to cook?!!! Like ummm no. Then he gets made if she says no. She isn't here to serve you, sorry. It's also very draining because the energy in the environment hasn't really been nice either. 

It's annoying because I truly wanted to move-out, but seems that won't be happening since nothing is falling through. I can't give up, but I sure do feel like giving up. I feel defeated. I feel my actions aren't manifesting anything. I feel I'm stuck in a dark tunnel and then I see a glimpse of light, only for it to have been an illusion, a mistaken glimpse of hope, a mistaken glimpse that luck and blessings are on my side. This isn't how I imagined the beginning of the year being for me. I have $12 dollars to my name, no savings, uncomfortable living conditions... I feel myself migrating back inwards to old ways of being reclusive. I'll admit I'm down in the dumps and starting to feel depressed.....I feel everyone has everything/most things figured out. I'm going to be 28 in May, feeling disappointed. .

*sigh* 5:05PM

Hello World

Hello World, 

I am writing you today to ask for guidance and opportunity. There have been times when opportunities have been placed right in front of me and I questioned taking them--yet took the risk for the greater good...Example the teaching job that I was laid-off from this past October. When it came to taking that job, I really didn't want to because I knew teaching was no longer what I wanted to invest time in. I took the risk anyways and to an extent enjoyed it, but then was laid-off. Today a family contacted me about a nanny position that seemed just right and perfect to me. The lady had wanted to have me come meet the kids, dog and family this weekend, so we could get acquainted. BUT when I mentioned I had a 2-door car there stood the problem. She said she didn't feel comfortable with her kids being in a small vehicle. 

When opportunity comes knocking, sometimes I look at it with doubt or am hesitant. But this opportunity I opened the door for, simply because it would provide me with the financial means to do things I've long wanted. Yet, it feels the opportunity has been snatched away as quickly as it came. Though I am hesitant of change, I am open to it and willing to accept the opportunities that come my way---yet sometimes it doesn't work out and I wonder why it even entered my life, if it wasn't meant for me. I'm hoping for a change career-wise ASAP, but nothing is coming through. That makes me feel sad, unmotivated and very discouraged. I've applied for about 20 teaching jobs within this week alone!

Oh Life, I am ready for change in order to get to where I long to be. Guide me in the direction needed. Please let something fall through. Feeling discouraged and hopeless. 


Hello Universe

Hello, I haven't written in a couple of days--thought I'd do so tonight. Firstly, my fam finally met AM and it went better than I expected--it wasn't bad at all. They really liked him and said they felt he was genuine, had good vibes and how they could tell that I'm really happy. I could say the same. I haven't been in any good relationships, I always felt uneasy, but with AM I always feel at ease and heard. I've never been with someone who is attentive to my needs and wants. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't like asking for help, but I had to ask him to borrow money and he didn't blink an eye(and if he did, I didn't see it). I've never been this supported by anyone, it's a nice feeling to have. I truly am grateful for him, more than he probably knows. I hope that I too provide him with a sense of comfort and support. 

Right now in life, I feel that things are just going. I have a job in which I'm getting paid well, but to be honest I don't enjoy it. I'm basically the food lady, I don't really have any interaction with the kids or the staff unless I'm delivering the food carts, giving someone a break or taking a child to the restroom. Right now, I guess you can say I'm going with the flow. What's meant for me will be, no matter what. I feel lost career wise. Where is life leading me? What's my fate? How much longer do I have to wait, to obtain the things I truly desire....sigh

Adios 8:45PM

I truly HATE that man. The man they call my father. He is nothing but a druggie and alcoholic, I hate the day he stepped back into my mom and brothers lives. When he leaves for days or a week, it's very peaceful and calm in the house; but when he is back the air is filled with nothing but negative energy. Last Sunday, right before the Super Bowl, him and my mom got in an argument--in which he started. This was the first time, in a long time that my bro and I had to step in. He is beyond disrespectful. I never knew I would actually use the world hate in this lifetime in it's true form. I always say things like, "I hate nuts" or "I hate inconsiderate people" "I hate this...", 
"I hate that."; but most of the time I am just stating my dislike for such things. Whereas, when I say I hate my dad, I truly mean HATE in every inch of it's true context. I never knew hate could be so strong towards another human being. 

I love my mom with all my heart, despite our differences. I will not let her be disrespected by some asshole. It's strange the way true hate makes one feel--it's a sickening feeling. How does he live with himself? How can someone live the way he does? It's mind boggling that someone doesn't even care to change for the better nor better themselves!! Like what?

Filled with anger right now. 


Despite the past few weeks and last few days being extremely hard for me, today was a good day. I woke up early and did a few errands. I watched the pregame shows for the Super Bowl, I got to witness Philly winning their first Super Bowl, I was assigned to work at a location this week, and I met the rest of AM's family, who is very sweet and welcoming. I actually really like them and hope they like me too; I would say this is maybe the 3rd time, I've been introduced to a boyfriend's family. I think meeting one's family is important. My family has been asking for the longest to meet AM, but I'm extremely picky when it comes to introducing people to my family---I don't like to just introduce anyone to them. But I think now is the right time, as I have met all of his family and he is someone who I am hoping sticks around for a long time.

Short post tonight, have to get up earlier tomorrow. Good night, world.

Hopefully the best is yet to come...12:25AM



Some days are good, others are bad--bad in the sense that I feel lost. And sometimes, I feel I am the only one lost without a sense of direction, without a sense of belonging. I titled this post Locket because I remember when I first came across the song "Locket" by Kilo Kish a year or 2 ago. It was strange and comforting to relate so deeply with lyrics. At the moment, I feel stuck..stuck in hardships, stuck in disappointment, stuck with going through the motions of happiness and sadness all at once. 

I'm trying to stay in a positive mindset as I go through the tough times. I'm trying to hide behind my smile--keeping my facade up. But some days it gets hard and I just want to show my true emotions instead of faking them. But I guess that's how life is, right? Faking it until you make it. So, I guess I shall continue to fake it and hide behind this facade---making everyone think I am doing okay, when inside---I'm really not. I have had this fear lately that I’ll be deceived—-I don’t want to be hurt again, I don’t want things to end up like they always do..... I guess my mind has been in a dark place lately, I’m in a dark space lately

Fake it, til you make it, right? Tricking others sight—when inside you just want to give up this fight


My Purpose

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to pursue a career that helps other. Being a teacher isn't very satisfying as I thought it would be--at least at the preschool level that is. This morning I found out my application was declined for Grad School. Though I didn't express it much, but I was really looking forward to going back to school and being back in the school environment learning more about things that interests me, so that I can help others. I have always thought of myself as a counselor of sorts as my friends and family, always turn to me for advice--the human mind and way of thinking has always interested me. I was so sure that counseling was my calling...is it not?

Being declined really hurt because I waited so long to apply and finally did so. If that isn't my path in life, then what is? I wonder what my purpose is, I feel doors have just been getting closed on me. I'm waiting for the silver lining in everything. I do have a job right now, so that is good--so I can start saving, but this job isn't something I want long term. I'm feeling pretty conflicted and lost at the moment. 

What is my purpose? What is my purpose? *sigh*


In an instant...

For an instant in time today those dark thoughts popped into my head, "What if you just ended it all?" This thought popped into my head after an exchange with AM. The last few weeks have been draining for me emotionally and mentally due to the situation with my mom. Today, after talking with AM, I was really upset and angry at myself...Why? Because it seems I can't do anything right in the eyes of my mother, my lover....Bringing up my feelings lately seems to only bring about disagreements rather than settling of things. Coming into 2018, I said I would voice my honest feelings more. To myself, I have been doing a good job not holding anything in, I've been being true to myself and saying how I feel. Yet, I wonder if I should just go back to being silent. 

I'm trying the best that I can when it comes to being a better me and expressing my feelings, but seems to others it's just I don't know....My own mom told me not to come to her funeral, to her I've always felt as if I weren't good enough... Am I not a good person? Maybe I am not... It seems I am not good at much lately, not good at being a daughter or a lover. Then what am I good at? Sometimes, I do feel maybe it's best if I just left this world, if I just cease to exist. Maybe then people would be better off. It seems I can't do anything right, feels as if I'm just a constant burden. I don't want to keep disappointing people and letting people down. I don't want to feel this way or pain anymore......In an instant I can be gone, if I really want to. Do we truly die or is there another side....

Maybe the ending is really a beginning... Here's a poem for today: rlsoul.com/rlsoul/2018/1/21/the-end