My home situation isn’t getting any better. It’s becoming toxic day by day. The energy is so negative. I feel I've been retreating into myself lately; wanting to disconnect from everything....When my dad was gone for about 1 week and a half, I felt things getting back to “norm” in some ways. But he is back now and it backs to the same ole same. Something that I noticed and am afraid to voice is my mom has been verbally abusive ever since I was a young child. She disregards my feelings and opinions, this is probably one of the reasons I have a problem communicating effectively with others. It is something I know I need to work on, it’s a long process, but I know I can do it. Very slowly, but surely.

Her verbal abuse also has left me always looking for flaws in my body image. Since I was in elementary school, she always made remarks regarding my weight and skinny figure. “Eat more”, “No one wants skin and bones.” “Put more meat on your body”, “You need to gain weight.” Those things have left me with scares up to my adult life. I’m still living with those words playing inside my head, like a broken record player. In her eyes, there's always something wrong, always something to argue about. 

Today, I woke up with a long text message from her, basically telling me I should move out. My heart feels heavy because that’s not how family is suppose to be, especially the person who birthed you. I’m so tired and drained. I feel a bit blah today.

Looking for a silver lining---some sort of hope. My heart feels so heavy and so conflicted. 

Heavy Heart 10:16am