Lately, I've been challenging myself to write about the things that have hurt me most, things that have left scars upon me. So, I'm learning to discuss pains about my family, pains about my mom. My mom and I have never had a very close relationship since I reached adolescents. In high school, she wanted me to do track, but I chose ColorGuard; she said I wasted my talent--and she still brings that up today. When it was time to pick colleges, I chose San Jose State, she was upset with me then too, because she said I should stay close to home--instead of making her have to move me up to San Jo. She's always made me feel as if I wasn't good enough, from appearance to my dreams/passions to my beliefs to other decisions.
I often wonder how my own mother could kick me down, when I'm already down. Who does that? Why can she never be support? Why does everything I do, have to be wrong? I'll never be "perfect" or "enough" in her eyes. She constantly judges me; this has been going on since childhood. I think the reason, I have a hard time communicating, is because as a child I would always communicate my beliefs and opinions, but my mom would always judge. She always made me feel it's best to stay silent. Slowly, I'm learning to unlearn being silent. It's really hard because I'm use to having my opinions shutdown.
It has been nice to write about these situations. I want to Speak My Truth, even if it hurts, even if it's about the person who puts me down, even though they birthed me. I need to move-out ASAP. Crossing my fingers I get 2 jobs. I wish I had someone to move-in with, searching for a place would be much easier then because it would be 2 of us looking. I'm thinking Long Beach Area(if I get into grad school) or Los Angeles Area.
Cheers to Speaking My Truth Through My Words. 8:52am