Living for me, not them.

*sigh* I'm so tired of feeling guilty. Guilty due to a situation that mostly does not concern me. So, my dad left the house on Oct 30th. and hadn't been seen since. Then all of a sudden today, he calls my mom and they get in an argument over the phone. At this point, I'm going to the bathroom and can hear her on the phone loud. At this point, I already knew he was going to be showing up soon. So, I decide I'm just going to leave before that occurs, but soon after he is banging at the door; obviously under the influence. My mom tells us not to open the door...*rolling my eyes* of course I'm not. He's banging and screaming being loud and embarrassing as usual. He says "Okay, fuck you. Call the police". At this point I'm super annoyed and frustrated, like how am I going to leave now? I want no part of this drama--so over it and my mom/dad issues. 

So, I pack up and literally have to sneak out my house. Because he is across the street at the corner. So, I had to go out the balcony! Like WTF, why am I dealing with this? I have to sneak out of my own house...like WOW. Anyways, I get in my car and exit the driveway--don't know if he saw me and I don't care. My bro texted me and told me the police came once I left etc...One of the cops that came was a cop who has come before because of him--how embarrassing. Nonetheless, for the past few weeks, I've been dealing with family stuff and it is so draining. I've been trying to help my brother look for jobs and get his life together, but he either doesn't apply/look at the links I send him or gets defensive when I ask him what's his plan. 

I'm tired of lending a hand and trying to help my brother only for him to reject it. He's lazy and unmotivated. I keep trying my best to reach out to him and assist him in any kind of way, but no. I'm done trying to satisfy my brother and my mom. We are all adults, I keep putting them before me. I worry about my younger brother and mom, but I have to learn it's not my responsibility. Yesterday night, I called my older brother crying to him saying how nothing is getting through to my younger brother. How he is wasting his time, as well as my mom--they both just sit around. I can't live for them anymore, I can only live for me..I'm not going to waste my time on Earth..

What a sad realization.

2:30pm