You know what gets tiring? When you're striving to create better times, but someone is always constantly there to put you down. Like OMG, always a problem. I'm trying the best I can, but it's still not enough. I've come to realize that it seems I will never satisfy my mom and I need to accept that. I need to stop trying so hard. I feel my mom and I have always bumped heads--growing up I tried to satisfy her, but everything I did just wasn't up to her standards. Maybe that's why I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to doing certain things...maybe that's why I most of the time don't use my voice to project my thoughts or opinions---because growing up when I voiced things, they'd get turned down.
I talked with a friend yesterday about my situation and they actually ended up telling me they don't have a relationship with their own mother. How their mother is a druggie and wanders in the street. And then felt comfortable to tell them my story. It was nice to hear I'm not alone in what I'm dealing with. I never really speak of the issues I have with my mom and dad---because I feel shame, I feel embarrassed--because family shouldn't be this way, but it is--it's a sensitive subject and it's hard to handle. My friend told me anytime I need to talk or if I need a place to get away, that I can reach out to her and that really touched me and warmed my heart. I feel we live in times where people think everything is a competition, we live in times when people are selfish and un-compassionate--so her words really comforted me.
I haven't really said this to anyone, but I've really been thinking of living out of my car. The Spa is $25 dollars for a whole day, I could sleep there, shower, and then be on my way. I have been looking at self storages and gosh, why are they so much money????? Idk what I would do with my belongings, but I don't want to sell nor give them away. I want to put them in a storage, so when I finally acquire enough funds for a room/place, I'll have stuff. Plus, most of the stuff in my room is new. Will I be bringing in 2018 with no place to stay?
I've been in hopeful/positive spirits. May I continue stay in these spirits through these tough times