Lately, I've been thinking a lot about where I was in life this time last year. Last year, I would have accomplished my goal of going skydiving. Last year, I performed on stage at an Open Mic for the second time. This time last year, I would be on a flight solo--heading to New York for the first time. Last year around this time, I was living so freely, I was going after what I wanted, I was taking risks and chances without second guessing, I was exuberant, so confident!
What happened? I feel it all began when I lost my job in the Summer. Then I was on unemployment until my funds ran out. During that time, my car was impounded, my transmission went out and I had to pay $1,200 to replace it(still paying that off). I wasn't getting many callbacks for interviews, a friendship ended that I really treasured; but somehow last year, I still remained optimistic and positive during those times. So why can't I find that silver lining this year? Why are these thoughts clouding my mind--why is my mind letting the bad out-way the good? Why can't I get pass the mistakes I made in the past?
This year, I have accomplished something I always wanted to...And that is publish a book of my poetry. Though I feel accomplished with that goal, I also have begun to feel my writing isn't good enough, my writing isn't special, and maybe I too am not good enough to succeed, maybe I'm not special at all. I don't think I've dealt with such drastic feelings in a longgggg while. It scares me being in this state of mind, I'm fearful--When in this state of mind, it feels as if you'll never see the light, never see that silver lining; it's just like the sunken hole--slipping further and further away from the light--a constant cloud over my head. I've been trying to be in nature a lot(hiking, laying in parks under tress, sitting by the Ocean) those things always calm me, soothe my aching soul. I feel myself becoming very distant from people, I feel myself climbing back inside my shell that I worked so hard to climb out of....I feel embarrassed feeling this way, but I guess we all at times meet a roadblock/dark times/hard times.
I'll do better... Gotta make up for lost time. Gotta stop comparing and thinking I'm "too old".