We all have them--INSECURITIES. Those things that make us cringe, that make us doubt ourselves, that make us feel a certain feeling that we maybe rather not feel, or better yet feel something we are ashamed to feel and admit. I have insecurities, some I show, some I hide, some that I've been dealing with since I was just a little girl--some I've accumulated overtime due to past experiences. I will tell you about 2 insecurities that I try to hide the most.
My first insecurity stems from childhood--this insecurity deals with my body image. I've always been petite. People always talk about fat shaming, but no one ever discusses skinny shaming. Since elementary, I was always bullied and picked on for being "too skinny". I was always told by my mother "You need to put more meat on your bones.". When it came time for puberty, I was a late developer. I remember in elementary my "friends" leaving me out because I didn't have boobs growing in, I remember a "friend" not inviting me to her party because she thought I wasn't girly enough, I remember feeling as if I just was never enough--never pretty enough, girly enough. I mostly hung out with guys because they included me, whereas girls excluded me. My own mom also picked on my thinness, "black girls aren't thin, they have meat on their bones", "you need to do more 'girly' things". The main reason I have insecurities about my body is due to the comments of my mom and how I was treated by peers and friends due to my thinness. And now that social media is so big, it still gets to me when I see media stating the "ideal perfect" body.
The second insecurity, I developed was due to a relationship. I'll say it was probably my 2nd or 3rd relationship. This insecurity is the fear of being abandoned, played, cheated on. I guess you can say this is something that scarred me, it is also an insecurity that I am ashamed of. Well during that relationship the guy I was seeing would always be adding random girls on facebook and talking to them. One time, I saw he was tagged in a girls picture. In the picture the girl was sitting in his lap and they were at some club. In the comments, I saw them talking about how they had a great time and they were flirting. I thought, if he's flirting right here in the open for me to see, then he is mostly likely doing it when I'm not around. I asked him about it, and he said I didn't need to worry--fast forward a few weeks I find out he's cheating on me with that girl. I forgave him, but he kept seeing her. We broke up etc. My next relationship the guy cheated on me as well. Sometimes I get paranoid that I'm being played if I see the same signs from past relationships, I know that I should move pass it, but being cheated on twice back to back left me feeling unlovable, not good enough and it messes with my self-esteem a lot. To this day, I sometimes feel the need to have validation, I feel the need to know things are okay and alright. I feel bad for feeling this way when someone new comes along. How do you tell someone, you're scared to lose them? How do you tell someone, that you feel guilty asking for validation yet you somehow need it--just to make sure?
I wonder how others deal with these types of insecurities. Sometimes, I feel guilty for feeling these things, but I can't help it. I'm trying to learn to trust others have good intentions for me, I don't want to be blinded or hurt again.