"I can't do it anymore, I'm Sorry." That's what I told myself today as the voice in my head kept having me question myself, as the voice kept telling me to doubt certain situations, as the voice kept telling negative things about myself. What I'm saying is, I can't keep up with this negative self-doubt and negative self-talk. It's becoming detrimental to my mental health and these thoughts are effecting my thoughts about my talents and abilities; it has also been making me doubt and think negative about certain relationships. I guess you can say I've been keeping a calm, cool and collected exterior---but my interior is going in circles, I'm overthinking things, I'm letting myself give into these negative thoughts, negative feelings/emotions--which is then making me afraid of losing people, losing things, losing--becoming a failure.
I can't keep doing that to myself, I can't do it anymore! It's self sabotaging. I'm belittling my skills, I'm putting myself down--I've been being extra hard on myself--especially because I feel I need to have a sense of clarity and reassurance. But I don't have clarity or reassurance--instead I feel clouded in which direction to go--I don't feel reassured that I'm on the right path of life. There are days when I am trusting the process and others in which I want to take the wheel myself and control the process; but that I know I can't do.
I need to get back into the mindset of one of my favorite quotes, “You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend.” Bruce Lee
I use to always go with the flow, take things as they come, be open to the possibilities. I guess I lost that bit of myself when LIFE started to happen last Summer. I want to be in control, but life happens and I need to learn to flow with it and trust it. Baby steps, baby steps---I can't do this anymore to myself--I can't do it anymore, I'm Sorry. This is me apologizing to myself for being too hard on myself, sorry for trying to be perfect when perfect does not exist. What exist, is you becoming the best version of You!