Been very anxious lately--for many reasons. 2 more days until my dad gets out of rehab and moves in to our place, a couple more weeks until I start back up at a job I don't want---been staying to myself a lot this weekend because I have mixed emotions about this. I want to let these emotions out, I want to scream them out, I want to cry them out...But I just hold them in. Talking about my family--dad issues is very hard. My dad has affected me in a lot of ways and I rather not have him back in my life--I feel as if I'm being forced to give him a chance--when I'm done giving him chances--I do not want any type of relationship with him.
My mom keeps telling me to give him a chance and blah blah blah---so annoying. I've also been noticing a lot of people I follow on social media are going through tough times. I feel when you're going through tough times, you feel alone in your situation at times. You don't discuss your problems because you don't want to seem burdensome, weak/vulnerable, insecure etc. It's brave to reveal one's truth whether good or bad--why? Because it's good to let things out, instead of holding them in. Yet, here I am feeling anger and sad--but keeping it all in.
Lastly, I was listening to Gallant and reheard the song "Shotgun". Wheww, that song is just amazing. "What good is a sword, next to a shotgun?"--basically to me the song is about living life--Gallant seems to question his role/importance in this world--will all his hard work pay off? Sometimes he feels a sense of inferiority to others; though he knows he's just as good as them. Which is why he then compares himself to a sword, while others are the gun.(Since a gun in society is seem as more powerful and of importance) He knows he is strong, mighty--and must be brave and bold--continuing to believe in himself, even when he doubts himself at times---and I think that pretty much reflects my thoughts at times about life.
I am learning to rid myself of those thoughts; for they serve me no good.