I can't remember a night where I have had a completely sleepless night. But tonight definitely feels as if it will be one. Congrats to me for having my first cry of 2018(sarcasm). I hate crying because it makes me feel extremely vulnerable, it makes me feel weak; though I know I shouldn't feel that way--everybody cries sometimes. Sometimes a good cry makes one feel better. What is my purpose here on Earth? What is my purpose here in this one life? I keep following my heart, yet I feel I keep ending up at dead ends, on roads that lead to a never-ending detour---detour after detour after detour. Tonight, I cried for a long time. I guess I mainly cried for the reason mentioned above, I keep trying, I keep applying, but nothing is falling through. I feel stuck in this uncomfortable situation at home. It feels as if I will forever be here.
I seriously have been applying to any and every job: food to office work to tutoring. I've been on unemployment twice and I'm only 27--yes I am judging myself. It doesn't feel good to say that about myself. I truly am trying hard, but some days, some nights, it all hits me and I become sad and worried about the near future. I am indeed feeling sad tonight and I can't sleep at all--my mind is constantly running tonight. I am up being productive though, so I guess that's a plus. Here's a short poem I wrote tonight, inspired by Coco:
Who will remember me,
when my final seconds tick away?
Will I be remembered?
or will all memories of me fade?