- Hola! Another night of NO sleep, whyssssss. Imma be hella tired tomorrow or maybe I won’t. The other night when I got no sleep I was up and about the next day as if I had a goodnight of sleep. Anywho, since I can’t sleep I’ve applied for jobs, I wrote some poems, and I even learned some Vietnamese from the language apps that I downloaded. It’s very interesting that I haven’t been able to sleep much for the past few days, maybe it’s because lately my mind has been thinking nonstop but I also find it interesting that I have been getting a lot done in these late night/early morning hours. To be honest, I’m pretty amazed with myself for being hella focused with no sleep. Super interested to me.
Something else that I’ve noticed lately, is I’ve been being more open and speaking my truth to those close to me. If anybody knows me, whether family or friends, they would know that I am extremely private and more reserved than others. The way I am around family is the same way I am around friends. I feel I have always been this way due to my ideas and voice being turned down by my mother. But I feel the recent argument was honestly my last straw and now I don’t care much to sensor myself, opinions or thoughts anymore. It’s a bittersweet feeling as it took something drastic such as a falling out with my mom to wake me up.
I openly voiced my struggles to my boyfriend though it made me feel very vulnerable and embarrassed to even have to discuss such situation; out of fear of being judged- lthough he has never judged me. Which is one of the main reasons I began to like and love him; I truly appreciate his nonjudgmental perspective as it makes me feel a sense of comfort no one has ever provided me with—except for him. I also had a discussion with my older brother and I shared with him things I usually don’t, such as how growing up I grew the mentality that I wasn’t good enough due to the verbal abuse of our mom. At the age of 27, I am just now learning that I am worthy of good things despite what my own mother tells me, I am deserving of love, I am allowed to live my life the way I want to because it’s MY life—and not hers. I’ve realized this the last couple of days and it’s been a hard pill to swallow and has left me feeling emotional.
But I need to start living for me. I will enjoy this new journey of being more me and being more free. And may those who know me and truly care for me accept the changes I make and may I too, learn to accept necessary changes and trust the process.
Keep going, Raven. You are strong & always persevere. 6:05 AM