How much more...

Hello world...

At home the atmosphere has been unbearable(luckily I haven't been here much this weekend/week), but I've been keeping an easy mind that in due time I can move-out of this situation. I don't know or think anyone can understand the scars my own mother has left upon me. Her words have left scars to my self-esteem, my self-worth, my need for perfection, my need to know I am worthy...The last few days have made me realize how scarred I am from the words she has said to me repeatedly since childhood..Things I dare not admit aloud, things I'm too ashamed to share because it's embarrassing, because I feel shame, because sometimes I feel her words are true.....

But I must remind myself that I know who I am. I know what I am capable of, and I know I am indeed worthy of good things despite what she says. Since that argument last week, I've done a lot of reflection. One thing my older brother told me is, "You won't find the true happiness and peace that you seek, until you are out of her space and in your own place." That really stuck with me, because it's true. It's all too familiar, it's a toxic routine---there are days when everything is fine, then days when everything is bad, then days when everything gets worse and a dark cloud looms over my head, looms over my heart and I begin to feel the weight of the world, the weight of my struggles to get out of here because the energy is too much, too toxic, too negative....Those days/nights are the worst because it makes me want to just pack up everything, when no destination in mind. I'm tired of my self-esteem, sense of value and confidence taking hits...

It makes me feel anywhere, but here is where I'd rather be. It's not a good feeling to know that you can't even escape....How much more of this can I really take???

Oh Life....9:15PM