In an instant...

For an instant in time today those dark thoughts popped into my head, "What if you just ended it all?" This thought popped into my head after an exchange with AM. The last few weeks have been draining for me emotionally and mentally due to the situation with my mom. Today, after talking with AM, I was really upset and angry at myself...Why? Because it seems I can't do anything right in the eyes of my mother, my lover....Bringing up my feelings lately seems to only bring about disagreements rather than settling of things. Coming into 2018, I said I would voice my honest feelings more. To myself, I have been doing a good job not holding anything in, I've been being true to myself and saying how I feel. Yet, I wonder if I should just go back to being silent. 

I'm trying the best that I can when it comes to being a better me and expressing my feelings, but seems to others it's just I don't know....My own mom told me not to come to her funeral, to her I've always felt as if I weren't good enough... Am I not a good person? Maybe I am not... It seems I am not good at much lately, not good at being a daughter or a lover. Then what am I good at? Sometimes, I do feel maybe it's best if I just left this world, if I just cease to exist. Maybe then people would be better off. It seems I can't do anything right, feels as if I'm just a constant burden. I don't want to keep disappointing people and letting people down. I don't want to feel this way or pain anymore......In an instant I can be gone, if I really want to. Do we truly die or is there another side....

Maybe the ending is really a beginning... Here's a poem for today: rlsoul.com/rlsoul/2018/1/21/the-end

4:45PM