First, last night I had some bad dreams. In one dream, it was really dark and I was running--I was full of fear. I kept looking behind me, I don't know what for but it felt so real. In my other dream, my boyfriend cheated on me--it felt extremely real, I felt my heart literally aching and breaking when I woke up. I looked up what my dreams meant and it said you have fears of being abandoned. I feel that has always been true and most likely stems from childhood traumas. I think that I have also been feeling that way a bit lately because it seems like nothing money-wise, job-wise, career-wise is falling through for me. Right now, I feel I have nothing truly going for me---no matter how hard I try. I know they say those who truly care for you and love you will stay by your side when you're at your lowest and brokest, through thick and thin, through highs and lows--and I know for a fact that I have been there for people at their lowest without judgment because everyone goes through tough times..... but I guess I still worry that people won't stay and they'll leave because I have nothing materialistic/financially wise-I can barely support myself-I guess I have that fear with my boyfriend a lot lately, that he'll leave because I don't really have anything.
I've been trying extremely hard to get a job; people keep saying just get a part-time job for now--as if I haven't been trying exactly that. I've been applying to hella retail stores, school positions, volunteer positions and nothing. Today, I went into places and all of them said go online; only was able to give my resume to one store. My mind is becoming cloudy and I can feel a storm coming because I feel myself getting down. Today was good, until the end when I felt a bit hopeless because nothing is falling through.
What's meant for me will be, but how much longer do I have to wait...how much longer can I have patience. How much longer...how much longer...how much longer?